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December 2006



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Dec. 1st, 2006

Walking in a Labyrinth

Walking In A Labyrinth

Waiting for one to guide me,
Asking for help at every turn,
Leaving behind the light entrance...
Keep my heart safe in your hand!
I am scared of the darkness and I
Need to find my way alone now.
Gone is the hope I had...

Ingredior vi ventorum...
Noster nostri...

Aeternus... eternus...

Listening to the wind forever
All the while I am walking,
Breathing and drowning in
Your imaginary world.
Right here in this maze
I fall into the darkness.
No life awaits me anymore, but
There is no other path that leads to

Nov. 18th, 2006

Yadda, confusion.

I don't exactly know how much time I've got, cos I have to go visit my aunt as well and I'm not sure on when my parents want to leave. So, I'll just make a quick update out of this one... I hope.

Basically, life is finally catching up on me. I suddenly realised I've got quite a lot of work to do on both English and German if I want to be nearly finished with school before Christmas, so I'm sorta stressing myself out about that. It's no good to actually stress out about it so much... there's little I can do to change it right now and at least a part of it is out of my hands anyway. I am just so fed up with the work itself. It's murdering my brain! *lol*

Crystal therapy's going really well, actually. I finished two lessons and learned a lot of new things from it. It's the first time that physics/chemistry has managed to keep me focused throughout the entire text, too. Practically speaking I just had to learn about the way crystals are shaped and how they grow and what gives them their colour and so on. When I first laid eyes on that particular part of the text I just sighed and was convinced I wouldn't be able to get it into my head, but I was actually able to remember most of it afterwards. There's nothing like surprising yourself every once in a while. Yet, also, I'm already worrying about what will happen if I finish with the entire course. By then I'll have nothing else to do and my parents simply won't allow me to take the Druidry course. That was a really unexpected decision, to be honest. Just when I thought they were fine with it, I suddenly heard a big "no" coming from my Mum's mouth when I wanted to discuss it with her. It's not bloody fair... especially not if there's practically no reason at all that explains why they don't want me to do this.

Apart from the school-side of stuff, I am also concerned about myself. I have been neglecting a lot of things that I felt and thought lately, because I am scared to death of those. It doesn't make sense to me somehow that it's all coming back to me at this moment. I know the current status of Planet Earth is going like "out with the old and in with the new", but this is a very exaggerated version of it all the same. Lately everyone's been mentioning stuff that relates to my old therapy and to a period in my life that has not been on my mind for quite a long time. I so desperately wanted to close this chapter and write a new one that I forgot the complete storyline in doing so. *sighs* I know that I'll come face-to-face with some of my worst fears in the upcoming months and the brilliant bit of it is that no one who is physically present in my life knows anything about it. Only my online friends know a small portion of it and so they're not here to catch me if I do fall into blerghness again. It just makes me sick to my stomach to realise that I have not forgotten this and that all my fears are still there. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone. Gotta love the fact that God wants to teach me something. *rolls eyes*

Anyways, I'll be off now. Might type more later on, though I can't promise it.

I wish you starlight in your souls!

Nov. 14th, 2006

A fairytale...

Yihaa, life kicks right back into action. I don't know what's going on exactly... but can I just say that I don't like this? Apart from the fact that all of the Netherlands is going absolutely insane over the upcoming elections, I also have to deal with the icky energy that's been flowing around in my personal life lately.

I sometimes wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't felt miserable in school. If I'd just continued with my life and finished school like I should have done. Where would I be and what would I do? It's impossible to imagine that. I might have gone on to become a translator, or I might have taken a shot at becoming a History teacher. But my entire world has been turned upside down and inside out without a pause in the past few years. What would I have been if the past six years had been different? Who would I be?

I guess I'd be an empty shell. A reflection of what could have been. I have learned so much in the past six years. I have met so many brilliant people I would not have met otherwise. I have met Laughter, played around with Joy, shared a bed with Love and saw the stars fall together with Sadness. I have gone through the door of Hatred, turned my back on Rage and watched the sun rise in the morning of Hope. I have travelled far beyond the lands on this Earth but always returned to my bed at night... crying and longing, aching and hurting, remembering and smiling, flying and dreaming... my life consists of nothing but emotions and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yet, good meets evil at every second that ticks past. It's a black/white chessboard on which the pieces are all shades of gray. I hope I have joined forces with the right side. Judging by my life lessons and the people I have met since I "awoke"... I have joined the side that's the hardest to manage but yet the most powerful in its own way. Life is a fairytale and I feel like both the reader and a character in the story!

Nov. 13th, 2006

C'est La Vie

C'est La Vie

How much will I weep today
When you leave yourself behind?
Will the oak lose its leaves
If you say you don't know me?
Can I say the word "goodbye"
Or will I simply cry without tears?

Ah, c'est la vie
C'est la vie I'm living
And I don't ever want to change
This little moment in time...

How much will the world shine
At the hour of our meeting?
Will the sun start to sparkle
When you arrive back home?
Can I hold you in my arms
Or is it too much to ask for?

Ah, c'est la vie
C'est la vie I'm living
And I don't ever want to change
This little moment in time...

How much will my heart love you
Twenty thousand years from now?
Will my soul still remember you
From times long past and forgotten?
Can I keep you with me forever
Or is forever not long enough for us?

Ah, c'est la vie
C'est la vie I'm living
And I don't ever want to change
This story of you and I...



Nov. 11th, 2006

Adopt A Butterfly

Life would be so much easier if we all just adopted a butterfly. That really sounds like an insane thing to say, I'm sure, but it's the start of the carnival season here in the Netherlands and so I can't be bothered with sounding sane. And I actually do believe that adopting a butterfly has its uses for people.

The flapping of a butterfly's wings can cause a hurricane somewhere else. I sometimes wish that we had wings, just so they'd actually know what causes the hurricane that races through their own lives. We are that which we have become and we are that which we were. Every day I see people try to forget about their past. I see them look towards the future with the hope of finding something better there. What they don't tend to realise that it is our past which has created our present and thus also the possible and potential futures.

People often try so hard to get rid of everything that ties them to a family, a religion or a particular way of life. Sometimes they even try to get rid of the other things that define who they are as a person. In reality... they try to undo themselves. I can't always understand that. I suppose, yes, there are those things that are worth forgetting. On the other hand, there are lessons to be learned from these things which are really valuable for our lives here on Earth. We cannot cut down our roots because then our entire tree will be unstable. We can only choose to hide our roots under the Earth, so that we know they are with us but not always visible.

I have chosen to adopt a butterfly. Just so I can cause a hurricane in other people's lives. With the flapping of one single butterfly's wings I can bring the roots of the trees back to life again and let their branches and their leaves be thoroughly shaken. We all need a butterfly.